Tony Blair is visiting an Edinburgh hospital. He enters a ward full of patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness and greets one.

The patient replies:
"Fair fa your honest sonsie face,
Great chieftain o the puddin race,
Aboon them a ye take yer place,
Painch, tripe or thairm, Weel are ye worthy o' a grace
As langs my airm."
>
Blair is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient. The patient responds:

"Some hae meat an canna eat,
And some wad eat that want it,
But we hae meat an we can eat,
So let the Lord be thankit."

Even more confused, and his grin now rictus-like, the PM moves on to the
next patient, who immediately begins to chant:
"Wee sleekit, cowerin, timorous beasty,
O what a panic's in thy breasty,
Thou needna start awa sae hastie,
Wi bickering brattle."
>
Now seriously troubled, Blair turns to the accompanying doctor and asks: Is this a psychiatric ward?"
....
>"No," replies the doctor, "this is the serious Burns unit  !! 

An alleged true story from an Arsenal season-ticket holder.



His season-ticket last year was an absolute plum seat half way up the
Highbury main stand close to the half-way line. In other words, a TV
camera style view.

Anyway, after the first few games of the season it became apparent that
despite all the home games being sell-outs, the two seats on his left
were always empty. This continued until just after Christmas when all of
a sudden a guy and his young son appeared there.

After a few weeks of sitting next to this guy and his son, he decided to
ask if the guy knew why the seats had been empty for half the season.
The response is legendary:

'Yeah don't even go there mate. The wife bought me and my son a season
ticket but decided it would be a nice idea to give us them for Christmas.

I was raging!'
 

The following are published in good faith and are believed to be accurate.

If they are not, we intend no libel or offence to anyone and apologise unreservedly if anyone's feelings are injured. Ego's are a different matter.
    
MICHAEL Buerk watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: "They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts."

Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."

MIKE Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."

JACK Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards' tyre choice on World Super bike racing: "Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet he wished he had a hard on now."

Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith Keppel on This Morning: "She was practising fastest finger first by herself in bed last night."

WINNING Post's Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy's formidable lead: "Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what he sees."

ROSS King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond: "Well Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg."

CRICKETER Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v Lancashire match, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe: "With his lovely soft hands he just tossed it off."

CLAIR Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: "There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."

JAMES Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked: "What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?"

STEVE Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69."

THE new stand at Doncaster race course took Brough Scott's breath away..."My word," he said. "Look at that magnificent erection."

WILLIE Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big race when he said: "They usually have four or five dreams a night about coming from different positions."

CARENZA Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Live said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."

A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them .... Oh my god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!"

Metro Radio - "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - "Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of t he Oxford crew."

Ted Walsh- Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother."

New Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him."

Pat Glenn- Weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"

It's Official - Refs Favour Home Teams

Academics have proved what Premiership football managers have been complaining about for years - referees are inconsistent and favour the home side. Researchers analysed more than 2,500 Premiership matches and discovered referees were statistically more likely to award yellow and red cards against the away team. Even when home advantage, game importance and crowd size were taken into account, the men in the middle still came down harder on the away side. 

The Bath University study also backed up one of the most common gripes of Premiership bosses and fans - the blatant inconsistency of referees.

They found some referees were "significantly" more likely to discipline players than others, while "underdogs" were more likely to be punished than the Premiership's top sides.

The academics behind the study hope their research will give the football authorities the firm evidence they need to help improve refereeing.

"Managers have been right to highlight inconsistencies and controversial decisions in games," said Dr Peter Dawson, a Wigan fan and lecturer in economics at the University of Bath.

"But without a proper analysis of refereeing decisions over a period of time, their comments look like the usual post-match gripe.

"The evidence we have collected and analysed provides a firm factual foundation that will help football's authorities debate what positive action they might take to ensure fair and equitable refereeing of matches in the future."

Researchers from the universities of Bath, Otago (New Zealand), St Andrews and Bangor analysed all 2,660 matches during the Premiership seasons from 1996/97 to 2002/3.

The study will be published in the Journal of the Royal Statistical Society.

Coincidence

A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman, and ordered a glass of champagne. The woman perked up and said, "How about that? -I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"

"What a coincidence," he said, "This is a special day for me. I'm celebrating."

"This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating!" said the woman.

"What a coincidence," said the man. As they clinked glasses he asked, "What are you celebrating?"

"My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"

"What a coincidence," said the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying fertilized eggs."

"That's great!" said the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"

"I switched cocks," he replied.

The woman smiled and said, "What a coincidence!"

Inland Revenue

Possibly the best letter ever to come out of the Inland Revenue....Taken from the Guardian, supposedly an actual letter sent by the Inland Revenue: 

Dear Mr. Addison,

I am writing to you to express our thanks for your more than prompt reply to our latest communication and also to answer some of the points you raise. I will address them, as ever, in order.

Firstly, I must take issue with your description of our last as a “begging letter “. It might perhaps more properly be referred to as a “tax demand “.  This is how we at the Inland Revenue have always, for reasons of accuracy, traditionally referred to such documents.

Which brings me to my next point. Whilst there may be some spirit of truth in your assertion that the taxes you pay " go to shore up the canker-blighted, toppling folly that is the Public Services " , a moment's rudimentary calculation ought to disabuse you of the notion that the government in any way expects you to " stump up for the whole damned party " yourself. The estimates you provide for the Chancellor's disbursement of the funds levied by taxation, whilst colourful, are, in fairness, a little off the mark. Less than you seem to imagine is spent on “junkets for Bunterish lickspittles “and” dancing whores “whilst far more than you have accounted for is allocated to, for example,” that box-ticking façade of a university system.”

A couple of technical points arising from direct queries:

1. The reason we don't simply write “Muggins” on the envelope has to do with the vagaries of the postal system;

2. You can rest assured that “sucking the very marrows of those with nothing else to give " has never been considered as a practice because even if the Personal  Allowance didn't render it irrelevant, the sheer medical logistics involved would make it financially unviable.

 I trust this has helped.

 In the meantime, whilst I would not in any way wish to influence your decision one way or the other, I ought to point out that even if you did choose to “give the whole foul jamboree up and go and live in India " you would still owe us the money.

 Please send it to us by Friday.

Yours sincerely,

H J Lee

Customer Relations